


Lost & Found

by greengoddess3



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Accidents, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bakery, Hurt Alec, M/M, Malec forever, Memory Related, Tenderness, Writer Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2019-09-01 17:36:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16769752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greengoddess3/pseuds/greengoddess3
Summary: Everything feels so familiar yet seems so foreign to Magnus, the random junk in his attic, the warmth of his local bakery and the beautiful woman who reminds him of something he once knew.If only he could grasp that which haunts him, his life would be simpler, easier and not plagued with his constant yearning for....him.It’s all so real until he meets a beautiful baker who shows him that life is simply the reality in which we chose to accept.*Memory Loss Au where Malec reminds us that true love never dies.





	1. Remembering me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thought I would try out a different writing style, not sure if it works yet but it kind of made sense to the more self reflective nature of this piece.
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

The smell of fresh bread always seemed to comfort him in a way he couldn't quite understand. He thought maybe it was from the days he would watch his mother prepare their nightly feast. The way her gentle hands would caress the dough, pouring her love and devotion into providing them nourishment.

He was always drawn towards the subtle delicacies of life: the warmth of soup on a rainy day, the silkiness of mousse as it floated across your tongue. All flavours and emotions he tied to a life far beyond him yet seemingly apart of who he was.

It’s not that he has forgotten the years he spent learning what it means to truly live, it’s that he remembers only the moments he chooses to. Sometimes however he feels a foreign need to pursue a thought, call it to take him on a journey of discovery, to find remnants of himself between his dreams and his desires.

The bakery down the block always made him feel like that, like a foreigner in a place you once knew, a place that had made you find what you had most been searching for. A place that had changed with the tide but still somehow remained intact.

Walking through the door made him feel like he was entering another world, where familiar smiles and greetings fluttered between the inhabitants. The familial love lingering from every angle of the burnt caramel walls as they shone golden in the afternoon sun.

It was so intriguing, the way you could almost taste the tenderness and passion kneaded into every loaf of bread. As if the bakers yearning bled into every touch, every sprinkle of dusting flour, every stroke of their fingers along their greatest work of art.

‘Magnus.’

The beautiful woman at the counter was one of the reasons he frequented the bakery so regularly. Her kind smiles and glistening eyes, a warmth that feels familiar as if once they were great friends. She always spoke with such fondness, an affection he couldn't quite place but assumed enunciated her soulful nature.

‘Hello Isabelle. You’re looking well.’

She nods excitedly as she dusts her hands on her flour covered apron, her teeth shining in familiar delight..

‘The usual I suppose?’

Tilting his head, he ponders on a thought. He dreamt last night of the most beautiful blue, the coolness washing over him like silk on smooth skin.

‘Actually no, I think I’d like something new.’

She stills momentarily, concern overtaking her features before briefly glancing over her shoulder into the backroom. She whips her head back quickly, mouth curving into a nervous smile before she responds, ‘As you wish, what will it be?’

He squints his eyes at her, aware of her change in demeanour but brushes it off as late afternoon fatigue. Glancing through the window he takes in the array of cakes, breads and biscuits, a variety of colours and shapes elegantly placed on various sized platforms to accentuate their uniqueness.

His eyes catch on a beautiful vanilla cupcake, the icing delicately piped in the shape of a flower, the petals soft, revealing a pearl in its centre.

‘That one.’

He points at his chosen item excited for the prospect of trying something new. The other pastries pale in comparison, it’s almost as if the particular baked dessert was calling his name, made just for him.

Isabelle gasps as she realises his selection, he recoils his hand wondering if he’s offended her.

‘The Magnolia?’

Nodding apprehensively he watches as she takes a deep breath, she rolls her tense shoulders back before moving to plate his cupcake.

Furrowing his brows he strolls over to his regular spot next to the window, the soft rays of light streaming into the empty bakery, warming it gently. He isn't sure if it’s Isabelle’s bizarre reaction or he’s just overthinking but something feels amiss here. 

Before he has a chance to ponder further his afternoon treat is being slid along the bench towards him. A warm cup of tea he didn't order but accepts gratefully follows. Isabelle slides onto the stool next to him, her face scrunched in concentration as she watches the bustle of the outside world with him.

A moment’s silence and she has shifted her questioning gaze to him, watching as he delicately studies the cupcake before savouring it’s taste on his tongue.

‘Good?’

Humming lightly he licks his lips as his eyes flutter shut in appreciation. The delicate flavours are unlike any combination he has ever experienced. A beautiful vanilla bean cake with a soft caramel centre, the icing scented with coconut cream. It’s like velvet on his tongue, elegant yet subtle, a exquisite blend of his favourite flavours.

‘The best.’

There’s something about this cupcake that makes him feel nostalgic, that makes him want to dive into his thoughts and memories and create a beautiful story from the vast puzzle pieces. He watches Isabelle as her eyes crinkle, a confident smile replaces her confused expression as she whispers brokenly, ’I’m glad.’

The warmth in her eyes is unlike any kind of gesture they have ever shared. He has always felt comfortable in this place but never had he felt….cherished. It was a strange feeling to him but it felt deserved, like the honesty in her expression was natural.

She sat with him as he enjoyed his afternoon tea, speaking of her recent engagement and the joys of love. Her happiness so infectious that he finds himself appreciating the unusually intimate moment they have shared.

He bids her farewell as the sun sets low across the trees, a feeling of contentment washing over him as he strolls out of the bakery. It was always interesting to him how naturally he felt compelled to the little family owned bakery, he doesn't remember when but it quickly became a function of his daily routine.

He knew he should speak to Ragnor about this strange occurrence, he always knew how to translate his complex thoughts and feelings into something tangible. It wasn't that he couldn't express himself but his brain always felt like it was skimming from one thought to the next, never quite dwelling long enough to delve deeper.

He supposes he should consider the abnormality of his evasive tendencies, his need to remain rooted to the lighter aspects of life. He didn't want to disturb the tranquility of his afternoon stroll so decided to store that away for another day, he would figure it out eventually.

*** 

He wondered when he had become so attached to the written word, when reading and writing became more than just a way to fill his days. Time seems eternally when you are surrounded by books, as if every story is immortalised by each chapter that protects it.

Supposedly his book shop was a way for him to feel connected, a way to give others a sanctuary to delve into the stories of lost loves and great wars. Something about it made him feel like he was giving them something he couldn't quite grasp, an inspiration for them to face their next battle in life, a moment where it all makes sense.

His business partner Ragnor always teased him for the way he romanticised life, telling him he’d spent too many lunch breaks lost in a fantasy of Orwell’s and Austen’s. A fact he truly couldn't deny, what of life if not to hope and dream for something more, something we all have but seemingly ignore.

What of love and its power to overcome? 

He may not ever have experienced such a phenomena but it was nice to consider. Being alone wasn't so bad when you were surrounded by the recounts of human survival. At least it gave him a place to feel complete, to distract him from the incessant nagging of his brain to dig deeper.

He supposes he should write too, tell his story of a life still lived. He tried once, but after days of pondering and scribbles his mind couldn't quite grasp a memory long enough for him to translate it into words. It frustrated him beyond reason, promising he would only ever live through other’s recounts and never try to summarise his own.

‘Daydreaming of princes and ponies again my friend?’

Rolling his eyes Magnus dusted the bookshelf before placing the ageing books in their rightful home.

‘Respecting the stories of the past. You should try it sometime.’

Ragnor chuckled in mirth as he shook his head fondly.

‘You always were the more hopeful of us, weren't you?’

‘From what I can remember.’

Stilling momentarily, Ragnor’s mouth hung in surprise, he set the box of books on the floor before taking a tentative step towards him.

‘And what is it that you remember?’

Magnus giggled as he recalled the brief memory as it flitted across his brain before evaporating suddenly.

‘Only the time in college that I begged you to write that book and it got published. What would you do without me?’

The silence in the air was tense to say the least. Magnus glanced at Ragnor’s shocked expression, the man blinking rapidly before dusting off his coat.

‘Yes well I do suppose you are an asset. Back to work now.’

His friend was honestly always quite strange, Magnus put it down to his eccentric English nature. There was something honest about the man that he deeply respected, he knew that regardless of the circumstance his friend would always hold him to his own truth.

‘Ragnor, can I ask you something?’

The man nodded hesitantly, eyebrow raising as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

‘You ever felt like you were on the brink of discovering something new? Something which would make you see life in a totally different way?’

Ragnor tipped his head questionably, clearing his throat as he pondered on his reply.

‘I believe we are always at that moment. We never know when things will change who we are but we can’t live hoping they won’t.’

Humming Magnus played with the ringers on his fingers, he studied the anxiousness in his friend’s posture, as if he was conscious of his every gesture.

‘How are you so wise?’

Smiling wistfully, a nostalgic glint in his eye, Ragnor replied, ‘You taught me well old friend.’

***

His week flew by in a flurry, spending his days among books and his afternoons at his favourite bakery. He begins to cherish the moments he shares with Isabelle, her fiery yet warmhearted personality making him feel connected to a far away part of him that he cant quite reach. There’s something about her mannerisms that seems so familiar, as if he once looked upon them with deep adoration.

He supposes she must just be one of those people that others are naturally drawn towards, her zest for life like a magnetic force that can not be avoided.

He shares his love for books and literature, expressing his dream of writing one day which she strongly encourages. She suggests some books her older brother always recommends, they laugh merrily at the coincidence when they discover that they are some of his favourites.

She invites him to the local market where they have a stall, the promise of free Magnolia cupcakes making him eager. She smiles freely when he asks if he’s ever going to meet this talented baker they keep locked in the back. The hope in her eyes making him feel excited for the mystery behind her intentions.

She tells him of how shy her older brother is, how he prefers to spend his days baking rather than interacting with customers, how he finds solace in the tenderness of the dough. 

He briefly caught a glimpse of the raven haired man once, his tall muscular figure disappearing before he could study him further. There’s a story there he wishes he could understand, if only to make him love his favourite baked dessert evermore.

The Sunday morning sun shines upon the local procedure, the movement of the bodies as they flitter from stall to stall captivating. He strolls through the market taking in the local honey and finally crafted cheeses, wishing that he had someone with him to share in his wonder.

A beautiful arrangement of flowers catches his eyes, the fresh roses, daisies and tupils forming a masterpiece of natural beauty. He notices the bunch of Magnolias standing proud in the middle of the stall, the petals laying delicately on top of each other, nestling themselves to protect the beautiful antlers within.

‘Magnificent aren't they?’ A voice strokes against his skin, like fresh honey dripping down your chin, beautiful yet so tragic.

He hums quietly in agreeance as he replies in wonder, ‘Unlike anything I’ve seen.’

The man remains firm next to him as they admire the beauty before them, he feels it strange that he feels so comfortable standing beside a man he hasn't even acknowledged.

He turns to greet his new found companion, his heart stilling as he takes in his infinite beauty. The moment the man locks eyes with him he feels his body relinquish control, his knees shake as he stares into his wistful eyes.

The endless pools of blue gaze deep into his golden eyes, the man’s eyes wide in shock as his mouth tries to form words. He feels a sudden shift inside of him, the opening of a door he had long since forgotten, a stream of memories rushing to the front of his mind that he can’t quite make sense of.

His body sags as he feels his knees begin to shake, his body tilting forward without remorse. He clamps his eyes shut as he grabs his head, the throbbing increasing tenfold before everything goes black.

He wakes to find himself in his bedroom, Isabelle sits at the foot of his bed bouncing her crossed legs as Ragnor paces the room swiftly. They startle as he sits up in his bed, rushing to his side, worried eyes studying over him.

‘Magnus, are you okay?’

He notices the concern in Isabelle’s eyes as he racks his brain trying to figure out how he got here. The last thing he remembers was that beautiful man and his exquisite voice, it must be a tell of his wonder if he fainted after meeting him.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he accepts the glass of water Ragnor thrust in front of him, gulping back a few mouthfuls before thrown his head back and groaning.

‘Ugh, what happened? I have the worst headache.’

They share a brief look before Ragnor steps forward, hands plastered to the sides of his body as he speaks.

‘You seem to have blacked out my friend.’

Magnus recalls the moments before he last consciousness as he grins, ‘Must be because of that blue eyed beauty.’

The gasp that comes from Isabelle makes him rapidly turn towards her, his skull throbbing at the sudden movement. He notices the way she stares at him in concern yet wonder, her eyes searching his face in question.

He furrows his brows at her, tilting his head at her bizarre behaviour. He remembers how she acted in a similar way when he changed his regular order at the bakery.

‘What is it Isabelle? You seem upset?’

His voices sounds unnatural to his ears, a hint of sudden protectiveness mixed with deep seated worry. It’s been a long time since he felt such an emotion for someone he hardly knows, yet somewhere deep inside him it all feels so common.

She shakes her head in dispute, sliding forward on the bed as her eyes dart between his own and Ragnor’s.

‘Th-that man you met…..I think that was my older brother Alec…..the baker.’

He blushes at her admission, realising he had blurted out his admirations so freely and without remorse. Stuttering he attempts to divert from his embarrassment, ‘Oh well I suppose I shall have to meet him some time, thank him for those beautiful cupcakes.’

She smiles a small smile at him, her eyes speak of regret and sympathy as she affirms, ‘I’m sure he’d love that.’

His heart swells at the tenderness in her reply, a sense of longing bleeding into her words. She takes her leave with promises to see him soon, he hugs her as she wishes him well in his recovery.

Ragnor has long fallen asleep on the armchair, his shallow breaths filling the room as Magnus slides back under the sheets.

His subsiding headache gives him chance to think of Isabelle’s older brother, the beautiful man who took his breath away. His heart flips as he thinks of this Alec, the shy beauty who reads fascinating books and bakes delicate luxuries. He wonders of the enigmatic man’s allure, how such a tender being can be hidden from a world who deserves his grace.

***

That night he dreams of a world beyond his own, a reality he can faintly grasp, a life of love and happiness, of Magnolias and kisses, of raven hair and soft skin, of him and Alec together and free.

He wakes with a strange feeling pulsating in the centre of his chest, a need for something he can not quite place, a yearning for something he does not recognise. He decides to take the day to himself, a sudden motivation to redecorate and declutter overtaking him.

As he cleans out his attic he notices a sealed box tucked away in the very corner of his large storage space. It has his name scribbled on it in writing unlike his own with a date marked six months prior. He retrieves a scissors and drags the extremely heavy box to the centre of the room where he begins to unpack its contents.

He is stunned as large volumes of boxes begin to surface, all bearing his name in large embossed letters across the front. His head spins as he stands in shock, thoughts flittering around his skull as he tries to figure out the presence of his name on these volumes.

He opens the first page and gasps, stumbling back as he reads the centre of the dedication page.

_‘To Alexander, my darling, may you never forget my love for you.’_

He scrambles through the other books and notices that they all bare a similar sentiment. A love and adoration for this Alexander.

 _Alexander._ The name brings goosebumps to his skin as he allow it to roll off his tongue. It makes him feel light in a way in hasn't for a very long time, a sense of comfort fills him at the thought of the profound title. A soft glow envelopes his body as his eyes flutter shut, allowing the waves of a familiar warmth to lick along his skin. He marvels at how serene he feels in this unfamiliar feeling, the pleasantness a welcome change in his otherwise mundane life.

He snaps a picture of the collection and forwards them to Ragnor, surely the man would know more about the mystery behind these novels. Not even a second after the image is sent his phone begins to ring, answering it he notices the uneasiness in the man’s tone.

‘Magnus! Are you okay!?’

Frowning he flicks his hand as if to dispel his own and Ragnor’s worries.

‘Of course. I was just wondering if you’ve seen these books before? Why are they in my house?’

The silence on the phone is unsettling, Ragnor breathes heavily into the phone as he take a long pause.

‘Magnus, how much do you remember about your life before the accident?’

Of course. The accident, a deviation in his journey which he had long tried to dismiss but seemingly follows him regardless. Pausing he takes a deep breath, trying to still his racing thoughts and figure out a response that won’t worry his dear friend.

‘Well, I remember college and your birthday in France and that I loved to….’

His mind blanks before he can finish the sentence, pages upon pages of books stream into his consciousness. He feels his fingers furiously typing as he body lunges forward, eager to express his vast thoughts on the page. The words never descriptive enough to illustrate his profound recounts of a life once lived.

‘I..Ragnor…are these my books? Did-did I write these books?’

The admission makes him exhale instinctively, a heaviness he didn't realise was following him, falling from his chest. He sits on the ground, his books surrounding him as he rubs his temple with his free hand. The light throbbing in his head making him feel slightly nauseous as the suddenness of the memory collides against his skull.

‘Yes my old friend and I think it’s time for you to read them. It’s time for you to remember.’


	2. Remembering you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> malec begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always envy people who can write these long descriptive fics that make your emotions soar. I've finally accepted that I'm not that kind of writer and my words have their own meaning and relevance. I hope you enjoy these little snippets of inspiration that suddenly become these 'malec moments'.
> 
> Thank you for engaging and coming along for the ride 
> 
> x

He spends the rest of his day buried in the first of his books, marvelling at his ability to transform words into sentences and sentences into worship. His heart pounds as he laughs and cries along with the characters, their story making him feel elated in ways he can not understand.

In the final chapter of the first book the two lovers decide to holiday in Peru, the older of the two taking his companion to all the places of his mischief before he was so dramatically banned from the country.

A chill thrills up his spine as he vaguely remembers a time when he once did that with someone he once knew. The way the faceless man, skin full of warmth and promise, had kissed him tenderly as he shared his life before their fateful meeting. The memory sends shockwaves of electricity through his body, like a sudden spark jolting him back to life.

Not completely foreign but also not quite familiar.

The strange feeling in his chest follows him for the next couple of days, he can’t quite put his name on the feeling but the emotion gripping itself so harshly to his body. He decides that maybe he needs a break from his life of books, that maybe he needs to take the time to appreciate other beauties in this world.

He isn't quite sure how but his body intensively takes him to his favourite bakery but welcomes the random occurrence in jest. Isabelle grins appreciatively at him as he strolls through the door, rounding the counter with her usual excitement to embrace him warmly.

‘Magnus! I’m so glad you're okay! We’ve missed you!’

Her voice rings out, weaving its way throughout the empty shop, as if meant to both announce and confirm his presence in the bakery. He considers her use of the ‘we’ as he rests his head on top of hers, eyes shutting as he thanks the universe for bringing such a gentle soul into his life.

‘Thank you my dear. I’m happy to be conscious.’

She squeezes his sides before pulling away and resuming her place behind the counter, plating up an array of cakes before guiding him to a table for them to share.

‘I thought today we could have a break together. I’m sure we both deserve it. How have you been?’

He considers her question as his eyes wonder around the room, unconsciously aware of a lingering presence beyond his vision. He finds himself inhaling sharply, his heart unexpectantly surging as he locks onto the handsome man from the market.

‘Alec?’

The man freezes as his eyes widen, his mouth hangs loosely, a beautiful blush appearing on his cheeks. He steps around the counter towards them tentatively, his hands firmly clasped behind his back as he dips his head before stuttering a soft, ‘Hi Magnus.’

He furrows his brows as he recognises the intimate way that his name flows off the man’s tongue. A gentle affection which carries a mysterious edge of serenity and angst, like a ship in the night searching for its way back home. His thoughts break free as his brain envisages the plethora of scenarios such a familiarity can afford.

‘How did…have we…’

Caught in his own stupor, his brows furrow as he sorts through the rush of emotions flowing throughout his body. The words flow from his mouth before he has a chance to give them chance to form, his eyes squinting as he tries to reorder his thoughts.

Alec’s eyes skittishly dart to Isabelle’s as the words rush out of his mouth in haste, ‘Um……the market!’

Magnus pauses momentarily, noticing the nervousness of the man’s tone, the way he maintains a careful distance, the shuffle of his feet as he stands awkwardly. 

The shy older brother! 

Of course. Of course this beautiful man is related to Isabelle, the sincerity in character must run in their family.

Shaking his head fondly, he gestures for Alec to take the seat next to him, pulling out the chair to welcome him to their social affair.

‘Please, join us for tea, I doubt you take much time to enjoy your own _beautiful_ creations.’

The man’s cheeks redden with a exquisite rose colour as he shuffles forward, uncomfortably sliding into the seat as he mutters a breathy ‘thanks’.

The soft smile on Magnus’ face catches Isabelle’s eye as she watches her brother unconsciously lean towards Magnus. She decides to give them a moment to connect, using the excuse of having work to complete in the back, stealing a Danish pastry before winking at her brother and smiling at Magnus.

Watching Isabelle enthusiastically take her leave, he clears his throat as a sudden nervousness overtakes him. Alec’s presence making him feel somewhat exposed and not quite steady. He stirs his tea to drastic himself, stealing glances at his new companion who sits staring silently at the spread of pastries on the table.

‘So Alec, Isabelle tells me you like to read, huh?’

The man visibly relaxes as he leans forward towards the table, resting his forearms on the edge before focusing his gaze on Magnus. Magnus feels a tingle in his spine as he looses himself in the intricacies of Alec’s gentle eyes. He imagines himself writing endless chapters describing a world full of such tenderness and warmth.

‘Yeah you could say that. Besides baking, it’s one of my great loves.’

Magnus notices the way the man’s voice trembles slightly towards the end of his admission. It makes him yearn to know more of Alec, of the subtle complexities that speak of his existence.

‘I own a bookshop with a friend. I would love for you to come and visit when you're free. You might find something you like.’

Catching himself as he winks at Alec, Magnus wonders where his sudden brazenness has emerged from. He briefly remembers a time when he was much more confident in his flirtations, when he knew of his seduction and prowess. Now however it feels foreign to him, like wanting people to like him is less about his own worth and more about who he perceives himself to be. He hopes who he is is the kind of man Alec would like to know, even if to just be given a chance to step into his mysterious world.

The soft touch on his forearm draws him back to the present, he blinks rapidly trying to clear his mind and concentrate on the man in front of him.

‘Magnus, is every alright? I lost you there for a second.’

Chuckling in embarrassment he mutters out a ‘yes’, silently whimpering as Alec retracts his hand suddenly. He stares at the man wondering how he can feel so drawn to a man he barely even knows. There’s something about this man that feels so pure, something about this man that he feels he has once known before.

Before his brain can stop the words from escaping his mouth, he blurts out, ‘Did you know I used to write?’

Alec pauses, eyes burying themselves in Magnus’ as he licks his lips nervously before replying tenderly, ’I did. You’re one of my favourite authors. I own all of your books’

The widening of his eyes make a tiny smile form at the corners of Alec’s mouth.

He wasn’t aware that his work was even truly admired, appreciated or simply acknowledged.

‘Oh. Wow. That’s interesting.’

His pulse begins to race for some unknown reason, a thumping in his chest increasing as he realises his work has been read by another.

‘I just discovered the one about Peru in a box at the back of my cupboard. Have you read it?’

He notices the way Alec grips the edge of the table, tilting his body fractionally towards him as he replies awkwardly, ‘Of course. It’s one of my favourites, such a beautiful country.’

‘You’ve been??’ Magnus turns his body in shock, eager to find out more about the topic that has been flooding his mind for hours on end.

‘Once. It’s one of my _favourite_ memories.’

He notices the nostalgia in the man’s tone, the way he gazes beyond Magnus and loses himself in a cloud of reminiscence. 

‘Must have been beautiful. I briefly remember going once.’

Alec jolts upright at Magnus’ admission, body straightening eagerly as he questions, ‘You do?’

The memory of his body curled around the faceless man rushes across his brain before he can grasp it. He ponders on the last chapter of his book as Alec studies him with hopeful eyes.

’Mmmm, I took a friend I think. I’m banned though so I suppose my book tells a great tale.’

He throws his head to the side as he chuckles fondly, an awareness of a life he can’t quite grasp but that seems to be weaved throughout his existence.

Alec sighs as his body slumps over, he clasps his hands in front of his body, misery pouring into his eyes.

‘Oh….. Yeah. It sure does.’

***

Over the next few weeks he sees Alec more than he could have expected. The man takes him up on his offer to visit him at his shop, marvelling at the many volumes of texts he houses. They frequently get lost among the books, finding common comfort within the pages, worshiping their favourite authors together.

Always together.

Magnus begins to realise how truly enraptured he has become by the man, the light in his eye as he speaks of his love for Shakespeare or the way he gestures wildly when defending Hemingway. The man’s beauty is like a light at the end of a dark tunnel, like a sip of water on parched tongue, like the sweetness of honey fresh from the hive.

He quickly finds himself bubbling with excitement in anticipation for the days they spend together in their respective places of work. Alec brings him an array of different kinds of coffees, promising to find the combination that matches Magnus perfectly. He remembers blushing profoundly thinking that he loves anything Alec brings for him, a small token for his chance to be in Alec’s alluring presence.

The thought startled him initially, wondering where this newfound sense of yearning for Alec emerged from. His days seem infinitely brighter knowing that he will get to be in the captivating man’s presence.

He finds himself beginning to miss him, even when he was on the other side of the book shelf. It scared Magnus half to death that he could be so enraptured by a man that he thought he barely knew.

The thing enthralled Magnus was the manner in which Alec exuded a formidable sense of tenderness around him. He always allowed him through the door first, hand hovering over his lower back as he guided him into the many cafes they visited. The gesture made his body warm thinking there was such a man that existed that wanted him to feel safe and protected.

Safety, security, serenity. 

Words a world a way from anything Magnus could imagine. The constant nagging in his chest of a sense of loss driving him insane. 

Alec somehow managed to pacify Magnus’ worries with frequent _text me when you get home_ and _saw this and thought of you._ Knowing that the man constantly had Magnus’ best interests at heart had begun to unlock a part of him that he actively avoided, a pandora’s box of emotions that thrummed unconsciously deep within him.

The twinkle in Alec’s eye was enough, the gleam of those hazels as they spoke of fondness and joy and something else completely. A deep and intense emotion that often made Magnus’ skin tingle, his heart swoop recklessly, his lips tremble with want and his eyes glisten with the desire to be consumed.

It was all so new to him, such a divergence from his routine and basic life. A certain steadiness that since the accident he had undoubtably been searching for, a point from which to begin, possibly rebuild, an anchor within the chaos of his mind.

He couldn’t say it didn’t excite him though, the chance to learn to love…..again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How would you feel about a chapter dedicated to alec's experience? A very real consideration based on the heaviness of their current situation. I just feel like he needs to be heard :(
> 
> next chapter:  
> magnus dreams.  
> magnus yearns.  
> magnus falls.


	3. Remembering 'we'.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> malec gets closer..... and closer still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope every is enjoying the holidays. season's greetings to everyone!!
> 
> i hope you enjoy this new chapter.
> 
> *i'm sorry for the inconsistencies in the chapter count. I only planned for this to be two chapters max but find myself wanting to delve deeper. the last chapter is looking to be more alec-centric because i believe he deserves to tell his story too <3

_Remember._

_Magnus…please._

_Baby._

The words ricochetted throughout his brain, tearing at the soft and vulnerable flesh, constantly searching for something more, something deeper, something….there. 

It started in the middle of the night as he lay drenched in a pool of his own sweat, wriggling around the bed sheets as the faceless man that haunted his dreams took him on a journey through time. An expedition to places he vaguely recognises in the recesses of his mind, imprints of an existence in a time before.

His waking hours are not much easier, a sudden need to know of this faceless man and those words that were uttered so tenderly, commanding control of the usual weightlessness of his thoughts.

His temples throbbed as he hunched over and rested his hands on the kitchen bench, eyes trained on the steam that evaporated from his freshly brewed tea.

It had been a lifetime since he remembered feeling such a deep unease, as if his very foundation was shifting after centuries of holding true. The doctors had spoken of a steady recovery, a path to a normal kind of life, an existence he could craft as his own, in his own time. Suddenly it felt as if that promise was slowly beginning to crumble, as if his efforts to remain in tact were nothing but an illusion of reality.

Throwing his head back he emptied the contents of the the small container marked ‘Thursday’ into his mouth, draining his glass empty of the chilly water in hopes of some kind of relief. He wasn’t always quite sure of the effectiveness of the medication he was prescribed but something about the part of his daily routine made him feeling inertly steady.

He stumbles back into the stool, closing his eyes as he waits for the calm that usually saturates his mornings. The disturbance of the previous night making him feel slightly unbalanced, seeking any form of buoyancy in the waking world.

His hand is drawn to his heart centre as a certain heaviness spreads across his chest. A vulnerable sort of yearning to feel anchored has him reaching for his phone and unconsciously searching a name that warms him thoroughly.

A single dial tone can be heard before a breathy voice fills his ears, his name whispered quietly and with such affection that his eyes begin to tear.

‘Morning Magnus.’

‘Alec.’

The lacklustre tone of his voice feels foreign to his tongue as the name is uttered in response. He frowns in confusion at his unusually grumpy behaviour during his favourite time of the day.

He hears the shallowness of Alec’s breath before he speaks with a familiar concern in his voice. The man never falling short of focusing his entire attention on Magnus’ condition.

‘You okay Mag?’

The nickname has him inhaling as he lightly grips the edge of the counter for stability. His pulse begins to suddenly accelerate before he exhales harshly, focusing on his breathing techniques the doctors had taught him for moments of distress.

He can’t quite recall a definite point of reference but sometime during their brief but profound friendship, Alec had increasingly become somewhat instrumental to his daily life. It was more than just afternoon tea at the bakery or days of arguing over books in his shop, Alec had seamlessly infiltrated his life and stood as one of the few people he would undoubtably turn to. He’d become like a steady pulse beating beneath Magnus’ skin, a warm bath after a long and tedious day, a reminder of all that is pure and genial within his condensed life span. 

‘I’m……I’m fine. Really. Just slept poorly. Honestly. How are you darling?’

A pregnant silence settles within their fleeting conversation as Alec stutters in his usually manner. A reminiscent smile climbs Magus’ cheeks as he evokes images of that beautiful blush that often overtakes the shy man’s gentle face.

‘Da-darling? Magnus. Are you sure you're okay?’

His musing are distorted by the sense distressing he detects within Alec’s speech. He frowns pensively, shaking his head in earnest as he ponders on the extend of his friend’s worry.

‘..Alec, of cou-.’

The words become trapped in his mouth as Alec’s voice overtakes his convictions, a hint of hopefulness floods his tone. Alec stutters as he pauses in his speech, correcting himself as he flounders to mask his indiscreetness.

‘You haven't called me that since.…I mean…before. Never.’

Noticing the uneasiness in Alec’s tone at the impromptu tear of endearment, Magnus shuffles off the stool, leaning again the edge of the counter as he traces the rim of the tea cup with his index finger.

‘Sorry..I. It must be my medication, I didn't mean to offend you. My brain is a bit hazy at the moment.’

He hears Alec clear his throat as a soft ‘oh’ escapes from his mouth. It is not lost on Magnus the sense of disappointment in his tone. 

‘Sorry to bother you, I just wanted to hear your voice. I’ll, ah, leave you be then.’

He feels his shoulders unconsciously hunch over, a tightness coiling deep in his stomach, a sense of apprehension overtaking his thoughts.

‘Magnus, wait. I…uh… thank you’

The unusual gratitude startles Magnus, he begins to filter through his nebulous thoughts for a moment in which he had done something worthy of Alec’s praise.

‘For what Alec?’

The man pauses momentarily, an anticipation settling within at the seriousness of Alec’s praise.

‘For calling me. It makes me happy. To hear your voice. Too.’

For the first time since his morning of discomfort Magnus smiles unabashedly and without remorse. Alec’s words permeating throughout his body, caressing every molecule of oxygen within his body into a state of complete serenity. 

He wonders when the quality of Alec’s journey through this lifetime became such a concern to him. The way that Alec’s state of being had become central to pacifying his need to simply exist in his recovery, but rather fuelling his euphoria for a life to be lived.

‘You make me happy too Alec.’

The words float so effortlessly from his tongue that he can not cease the blissful crinkle of his eyes as he smiles in elation. Alec’s gentle chuckles over the phone making him wish he could see his beautiful face, to gaze into those endless pools of blue as he remembers all the reasons for his eternal gratitude.

His clouded thoughts fail to catch him as the feelings pour from every crevice of his soul.

His heart had long decided.

Between the pain of his physical condition and the mystification of his mind, he can no longer deny the powerful force that parades freely within him.

He needs Alec. Here, now, for as long as he can have him. He needs Alec to know.

‘Can I see you? Tonight, I’ll make your favourite dinner. _Please_.’

The eagerness in his words have Alec responding speedily, a distinct adoration in his tone as he promises not to be late and wishes Magnus all the blessings in his day. It is something of a simple farewell, a general term of politeness between people who wish for happiness for one another. 

To him however it is something much more, a certainty of having Alec with him once again, a chance to cling to the source of his enchantment, an opportunity to know his prosperity is not an illusion. 

His new found sanctity, here with Alec.

***

Tucking his bare feet under the warmth of Alec’s thigh, he slowly reclines against the arm of the lounge. His limbs slightly lose from the glass of wine he sipped on earlier, the alcohol making him snuggle against the soft pillows.

He smiles tenderly as his eyes catch onto those of his alluring guest, rubbing his belly as he hums in contentment. Alec chuckles before dipping his head back to rest on the back of the lounge, his hand resting over the bridge of Magnus’ foot, stroking the protruding veins with a gentle tenderness.

The soft ballad emanating from the speaker filters through the air, the candles illuminating the lounge room creating a comfortable atmosphere, one that mirrors the internal calm that he has come to find with Alec. 

He sighs as the peaceful aura has him drifting into a state of complete abandon, his thoughts laying to rest as the sensations of Alec’s touch bring euphoria to his skin. The feeling has him drawn closer towards Alec, always unconsciously gravitating monumentally closer. Waiting to collide.

‘Will you stay?’

He flinches as he feels the heavy silence settle over him, Alec’s fingers stilling against his skin at the bluntness of his request.

‘ _Please_?’

He wiggles his toes as he juts his lip out dramatically, Alec gripping his foot as he giggles at the sensations under his thigh. A sense of playfulness settles between them, a casual intimacy found between those who find comfort in one another’s eccentricities.

‘Okay, stop. I will. Magnus, stop!’

It takes a moment before Alec is running his fingers beneath his feet as they both fall into fits of laughter and mirth. His limbs flailing in the air as his body fights against the sensitivity of Alec’s touch whilst undoubtedly shuffling closer in an attempt to regain dominance of the situation. His hands clasp hungrily around Alec’s wrists as he pushes himself towards Alec, breathily giggles escaping their mouths as their chests heave, searching for a moment of exhalation.

It dawns on him suddenly that he has not laughed with such restraint since he has known his life, the freedom making him bite his lip sheepishly as he burrows his face against Alec’s shoulder. When did it all become so easy? This relaxed pace they have established between themselves, a serenity so soft that it deafens the darkest of torment.

They take a moment to steady their breathes, Alec’s intoxicating aroma filling his nostrils as he loosens his hold on Alec’s wrists. He shivers as he feels reluctant fingertips along his forearm, travelling slowly to rest across his shoulders, drawing him increasingly closer to the usually timid man.

He slowly raises his head as he is drawn further away from the safety of the protective chasm he has built in his fight to maintain distance from all that is foreign. Walls his soul had erected during his rebirth into this life, preserving his weakened strength in hopes of surviving some semblance of existence.

He observes the hesitancy in Alec’s posture, the stiffness in his shoulders as their eyes catch and they slowly lean their foreheads together. The breath between them is light, the space filled with a myriad of possibilities and mysteries, a question of chance for the feasibility of something more.

It feels like a million questions are being answered as he makes a decision he unconsciously knows has been already made for him. He should be terrified, should want to shut all his doors and pray that the storm will have sympathy for all that he has already sacrificed.

But, as he feels the heat radiating from Alec’s skin, he knows that he is once again lost, searching the maze of his mind for his resting place, hoping that the next deviation will lead him to his salvation.

He knows though that it is a fight he shall not face as one, for this man that holds him through every storm, is a man he must surely cherish with all the strength that he possesses.

His breath hitches as he watches Alec draw his lower lip between his teeth, his eyes widening slightly as he feels Alec lean in slowly before stilling.

The oxygen they share becomes scarce as utters the only words his brain dares to sacrifice. A million spilling into the safeguards of his mind, fighting for dominance in a battle they have surely won.

‘Kiss me.’

He feels his lips move of their own accord, drawing in the short breathes that escape Alec’s mouth, the air between them tempting him to abandon all control for a more than simply a moment of passion.

His heart beats wildly in his chest as Alec rests his hand on Magnus’ hip, drawing his thumb under his shirt to trace along the sharpness of his hip bone. The furrow of Alec’s brow deepens as he holds Magnus’ gaze, a deep sigh escapes him as he infinitesimally draws his head away from Magnus.

A sudden sense of sadness overtakes Magnus as he dips his head in regret, a pit in his stomach forming that serves to demolish his moment of indulgence. He shuts his eyes to hold the tears at bay, the looseness of the wine and vulnerability of his morning crashing around him.

Before he has a moment to pull away a warm palm caresses his cheek, pulling his face forward and towards those eyes that he undoubtedly adores.

‘Magnus, no, I-I want to….but…but… _Magnus_. _I’m scared_.’

His breath hitches as he watches a sudden anxiety and pain wash over Alec’s eyes. The normally vibrant blue pools deepening in angst and misery, a look that has Magnus’ heart clenching in worry. The man’s lower lip trembles suddenly as his eyes dart around the room, gaze unquestionably avoiding Magnus’ inquisitive eyes.

The look seems so foreign on the beautiful man’s face, a look so displaced it tells of nothing but of the claws of profound torture, ripping at the heart of the fragile like a ravenous beast screaming for nourishment.

The moment makes Magnus want nothing more than to erase any semblance of the painful memories surely escaping within the tenacious walls of Alec’s mind. He decides in a moment of bravery that he must do anything and everything to protect this tender man. That his companion that he has come to care deeply for, deserves to no longer be plagued by the burdens of suffering but rather by the ecstasy of life. 

A life that he may not know of but surely must exist for a man such as Alec.

He moves with ease as he takes the man’s hands in his own, tracing along his sturdy knuckles and wide palms in a comforting gesture. They dwell within a strained silence as Alec begins to sob quietly, sinking further into the lounge as Alec allows his body to be free of all control.

Alec gazes towards the ceiling as his eyes close instinctively, an inhalation full of courage and despair, a small sign of the intense feelings that Magnus knows are assembling within his chest.

The words are whispered into the stillness of the air, the broken syllables piercing deep within Magnus’ core as his companion spills the contents of his anguish.

‘I-I….I lost someone once. Someone I care for with every fibre of my being. I just….’

The painful confession bring tears to the corners of Magnus’ eyes, he blinks rapidly to clear his vision, wishing to never be privy to such a haunted look on Alec’s face again.

‘ _Oh, Alec.’_

He moves with ease as his arms loop around Alec’s neck, pulling the man’s face to rest into the juncture of his shoulder. He hopes the warmth of his skin can pacify a piece of the man’s turmoil, if only to ensure Alec of his welcome place in Magnus’ arms.

The man visibly relaxes at the sudden affections, his arms hesitantly curving around Magnus’ back as he sinks against his body.

He feels himself humming in the way a mother would for a restless child, gently rocking against his companion as Alec’s head rests against his skin. His whispers occupy the steady rhythm of their movements, their close proximity creating a reverent expanse for their intimate revelations.

‘Promise you’ll stay…and I promise you will never hurt me.’

The man’s face inclines away from his neck, Alec’s nose grazing along his jawline as their gaze’s lock intuitively. He remembers a book they once read together which spoke of the eyes being the doorway to the soul, the pathway to a love so profound that it forced you to kneel in all it’s glory. He supposes it all makes sense now, as he notices the affection and determination in Alec’s eyes. A love he knows is buried deep within Alec for the person he once lost, a passion so profound it spills over the edges of the vessel that struggles to contain its substance.

An intensity that has his skin crawling and heart constricting in something of veneration. A subtle hint of jealousy blossoms within the recesses of his mind, a wonder of the person who left such a magnificent man abandoned.

‘Magnus… _I never left._ ’

Before he has a chance to ponder on Alec’s words, the man is swallowing the breath from Magnus’ lungs, drawing him closer to Alec’s body as the passion flows through his veins. His hands tremble as they tangle into Alec’s soft hair, his fingers unconsciously tracing a maze of affections into his scalp, clawing their way into his mind and hoping to remove any seed of doubt for his place in Magnus’ heart.

The kiss is brief but leaves him achingly breathless, leaves him wondering if he’s ever been so hungrily consumed, hoping that this is only the start of something _more_. The lightness from the wine still courses through his veins, he feels his heart soaring as it beats rambunctiously against his chest. His thoughts oscillating as they collide within his brain, the effects of the night dulling his senses enough for him to ignore his usually confusing thoughts.

He choses to ignore the flutter that dimly illuminates from deep within his soul, like a fissure of great enormity demanding his attention, calling him to the place of his greatest terrors. The space between then and now, the remnants of a time before that he has since been taught to pacify. If only to ameliorate the overwhelming intensity of a forgotten existence, a person he no longer belongs.

The gentle stroke along his spine breaks him from his musings, he sits in awe at the man in his embrace, the baker that has since taken his heart as his own. He gently uncoils the man’s hands from their residence against his back, standing slowly as he pulls his companion to his feet. 

The candles have long since extinguished themselves, the soft music fading into a lazy silence. He drapes Alec’s arms across his chest, standing with his back to Alec and guiding his towering body across the threshold of his room. He feels Alec tense against his shoulders as they shuffle closer to the bed, Alec’s forehead resting on the back of his head as Alec breathes steady against his neck.

He turns in Alec’s arms and plants a chaste kiss on his lips, their cheeks graze as he feels Alec’s long eyelashes caress against his temple.

The air is filled with the warmth of their intimate embrace as their bodies find residence together. Fitting as one so comfortably that it has Magnus yearning to explore more than just the planes of Alec’s physical being.

‘I just want you to hold me.’

The precipitous admission has his companion drawing him closer, his lips caressing the shell of Magnus’ ear as he whispers brokenly.

‘There’s nothing that I want more.’

They change into clothes fit for comfort and companionship, their bodies unconsciously finding each other in the middle of the large bed. He finds himself entranced by the tangle of their bodies, the warmth of their breathes as they gaze deep into each other’s eyes. Their kisses begin as soft flutters of affection and cascade into weeks of unspoken adorations and agonising worship.

The lights are dimmed as darkness takes them both, their arms draped protectively around each other as their slumber becomes their reality.

He groans as the light of a new day assaults his tender eyes, a foreign weight against his chest has him waking in a startle. He gapes at the figure before his eyes, the dark locks of his companion flayed along the weaving of his pillow. 

Before he can blink away his confusion, blue eyes are watching him in uncertainty, a guarded mask washing over them as his bedmate gravitates away from him.

He notices the regret in the man’s fatigued features, the way he manoeuvres his body away from Magnus in attempt to shield himself from the sudden rejection.

‘Alec.’

The man flinches as he buries his face into his hands, his body curling over as his shoulder hunch in defeat.

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn't have done that.’

The words speak of a sorrow beyond the musings of a curious mind, a pain so subjective that without its host, it is nothing but a lacklustre description of inhumane terror. 

The insecurity in the man’s tone has him yearning to hold him near, a need to bring him comfort reminding him of the intimate night that they had shared. He wonders how such a gentle and steady man can house such misery and pain, the man’s past a story that Magnus hopes he can one day come to understand.

‘Oh. Did you not…want to?’

The sudden fear of placing his friend in an uncomfortable position has him cowering in worry, he moves to free himself of the disappointment of his unwanted affections.

‘No, _Magnus_.’

A hand curls around his neck before he can shuffle off his bed, his eyes flutter closed as warm lips are pressed against his forehead. A blinding pain surges to the forefront of his brain as an assault of images float his mind. The familiarity of the gesture nagging at the recesses of his consciousness, the recollection of the tender action being played before his eyes, a reminder of the affections of the faceless man of his dreams. 

He stumbles off the bed as his name bounces off the walls of his bedroom, Alec’s voice barely recognisable against the convulsions of his mind. He grips his head in torment as his kitchen comes into view, the familiar container of his daily medications rattling against his palm.

He feels the cool stream of liquid against the walls of his throat before the darkness takes him suddenly.

He wakes to a firm hand caressing the strands of his long hair, his head pillowed against the soft surface as his legs dangle over the edge. He sighs contently at the relaxed state of his body, slowly prying his eyes open as an undeniable grogginess overtakes his sense.

‘Hey.’

The man before him’s eyes widen momentarily, exhaling in relief before he drops his head in consolation. Magnus takes a moment to drink in his hunched over posture, marvelling at the way the tension in his shoulders slowly begins to melt as he descends towards the floor.

‘You’re okay, oh Magnus. I’m sorry, that must have been horrible.’

The fog between his eyes begins to lighten as he struggles to focus his mind on the events that lead to his current position. He notices the way Alec’s eyes rakes over his face, constantly searching for reassurances and any semblance of hope for his saneness.

He blinks away the sheen of water that collects across his eyes, furrowing his brow as he sorts through the haziness of thoughts that float in his mind, barely within his reach.

‘What are you….

oh, right. 

I blacked out didn’t I.’

He feels his arms sag, falling along the sides of his body aimlessly as his legs surrender into the plushness of his lounge pillows. His body feels as if floating along a lazy river, the current pushing him slowly towards an unknown dwelling, bypassing the claws of memories that threaten to tear his sensitivities in two.

‘You were complaining about your head and then I wasn't sure so I helped you with your meds. I caught you just as you collapsed. Do you…want to talk about it?’

The question has him gaping in response, his focus meandering through the perplexity of the evasiveness of his thoughts. The tears begin to well in his eyes as his lip trembles hesitantly, he clutches his fingers in his palm, the subtle dig of his nails grounding him in the moment. 

‘I do….but I-I…I don’t know…it’s just all so much.’

He feels Alec’s hand wrap around his waist as his head is drawn closer towards his chest. The steady beating of the man’s heart anchoring him as he surrenders to the slow drag of fingers through his hair.

‘Hey, hey, Magnus, look at me.’

The blood rushing through his veins begins to slow to a steady stream as his eyes cling to the reassurance emanating from those beautiful blue globes.

‘You don't have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, okay? Just take your time, I’m not going anywhere. I promise. As long as you’ll have me, I’m here.’

The words penetrate deep into the junctures of Magnus’ core. A feeling of effervescence begins to fill him from a place he feel vaguely familiar with, something light but not quite cultivated settles against his chest.

He feels the soft warmth of Alec’s lips against his forehead and closing his eyes to saviour the lingering tickle against his skin. 

He wonders when it became so easy to accept Alec’s affections, his mind wanders across the veil and teases a time when kissing someone was as instinctive as breathing. The feeling of surrendering so effortlessly to another has him beaming with desire. 

A feel far more profound than just to have and to hold but rather to have and to be reacquainted with. This feeling so familiar it makes him wander if he had once known such bliss before.

He knows that what he feels for Alec is not of the usual care two people who have grown close would have. He knows he has long fallen for the beautiful and caring man who has captivated his senses and made him forgot his terrors if only for desire to be courageous.

He wonders if this feeling comes from a remnant of his past existence, a love he once had for another in his time before the accident. His heart yearns for his past companion, hoping that in time they too shall heal from a life they once had, that they are safe and protected by the love that they had once shared. 

The sudden guilt that washes over him for leaving his past love is drained from his body as he studies that adoration that pours so wildly from Alec’s eyes. Never has he felt so unguarded and vulnerable, never as he felt so _desired_ and _alive_.

He knows now, what it means to truly fall. To purposely walk yourself to the edge of your fascinations and so carelessly throw your heart to the wind, knowing that you shall never truly be lost, for on the other side another’s arms will always catch you. 

For once he is not scared of the unknown but rather wishes it would finally find him. No longer dwelling beneath the surface of his mind, waiting and wondering when he can truly break free.

For he is found, here in the heart of this angel that he hopes to call his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter:   
> a love grows.   
> a recess into magnus' mind.  
> a point of no return.


	4. remembering 'this'.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> magnus finds that some feelings grow and others were always there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience. i hope you enjoy :)

As the sun slipped tenderly beyond the horizon, Magnus felt the final rays tenderly fall across his skin. In time the night shall be among them, forming pockets of stillness within the energetic streets that lined the edges of the city

A stillness that the past weeks had thrust upon him with vigour, evading even the most chaotic of moments, clinging to the edges of serenity. 

It began as whispers in the shadows of his conscious, nudging him along as he slowly caressed the edges of his indecisions. A need to know more, to have more, to delve deeper and deeper but yet a fear that ran so closely to his heart. 

What would he truly find beyond the veil? Was it really worth the sacrifice of all that he had now? Could he ever comeback from the disappointment if its not all he could ever imagine? 

What of Alec?

Alec.

The man who he can not deny has found a special place within his heart. A place that in the past weeks since their kiss he has begun to protectively guard without a lack of true remorse.

It was more than just the tenderness of his companion or the gentleness of his words, it was the time they had spent infinitely learning about art, culture, about the world and ultimately each other. 

After 2 months of Alec hosting private book clubs for him, of Alec teaching him to bake in his spare time, of their days selling baked goods at the markets. Magnus could well and truly admit he has grown intimately attached to the humble life they had carved together. The comfortable and generous life they had built, free of any pressures for him to heal from his accident, a step further into a future of his choosing, a divergence of a past that plagues him less.

He hadn't even realised how truly enamoured he was with Alec until Ragnor has casually mentioned the endless time that he had been spending with his new ‘boyfriend’.

The word had made his pulse race at first but surely enough, thinking about his companion, those beautiful eyes and warm smile, had warmed him to his very core. It had perplexed him when he realised how quickly they had fallen into a rhythm of regular dates, nightly phone calls and frequent text messages. Not a day had gone by that had not featured Alec in some indescribable way.

The whole dating thing, it still feels so foreign to him but yet it undoubtedly feels so right. In the chaos of his condition, the darkness of his memories, for once he feels safe. A sense of security that allows him to soar the edges of existence, no longer running from everything that was, running towards everything that is.

It is not without moment of pain however, he still struggles with his grip between the worlds of his past and his present. In his darkest moments Alec is always there, helping him find his way back to himself, patiently guiding him through his memories to his place of calm. There is no one he can ever imagine trusting so intimately. With such surrender and serenity.

It was as if the man was just meant to be. Here. Now. Forever more.

He swallowed gently, savouring the taste of Alec’s latest pastries, wondering how a man so tender could produce such bold and breathtaking creations.

The familiar swell of warmth began to spread across his skin as he thought of the man that had surely stolen his every breath. The man that had taken to the mysteries of his existence and intertwined the loose strands of his memories. Soothing each and every worry with the promise of a something grander than simply just exisiting.

He had never much a soul of such patience, a man of fortitude and brutal honesty, a heart full of nothing but passion in every way.

Those soft fingers that he loved traced along the veins of his forearm as Alec’s tantalising breath brushed against his earlobe. A shiver ran from the base of his spine, along each and every of his vertebrae before wrapping itself around his bare shoulders.

He nestled himself closer to the warm body that supported him, leaning deeper into Alec’s strong embrace, relaxing every muscle of his body as his companion tightened his arms.

Closing his eyes, he allowed the silkiness of Alec’s voice to overtake his senses, the words that he read filling his heart with a cocktail of overwhelming awe and blazing curiosity. 

It had become a familiar past time of their time together. Lazing on his balcony in the midsts of dusk, indulging in literature as their minds travelled to worlds beyond. 

Magnus had never felt so truly venerated, so honestly consumed by such simple occurrences. The many dinners that had shared, nights that he spent waiting for Alec in the bakery, days they had shared of book clubs and baked goods. Each making the grip he unconsciously held on his present loosen slighting, if only for the knowledge that Alec would be there to carry him.

It was unlike any feeling he had felt before. This hunger and yearning to be within another’s presence. This insatiable need to feel another’s touch, hear the gentleness of their voice, know that you belong to each other.

He wasn't quite sure what they would call their relationship, as if the labels he had considered where insufficient to begin to describe what Alec had come to mean to him.

There was a certain strangeness that he could not ignore, how at ease he was with this foray into the recesses of his heart. How completely he allowed Alec to be his anchor, to be his guiding light, to see him at his worst but help him find his best.

Everything just felt so _right._

His feelings for Alec where increasingly becoming the most steady component of his life. He felt strong, safe, valued, as if he could take on any and every battle that his condition entailed. That every flash of memory, every moment of penetrating darkness, every loss of conscious thought, was nothing but a step closer to an existence he felt drawing near.

An existence that slowly had begun to take flight, curling its way around the vessels of his braining, overtaking his beliefs and rendering him speechless. 

The very words that Alec spoke against his ear, the words that he had written in a life before his own. The stories of adventure and mystery, of love and unshakable loss, these words had become a reality he could not escape. A mirror of the man he feels he can become.

He inhales and exhales, pondering on his thoughts before the words fall off the edge of his tongue, his voice filling the stillness of their embrace.

‘I love these books. I still can’t believe I wrote them. They just feel…..so real.’

He feels Alec’s body still momentarily, thumbs stroking lightly down his forearm, before a gentle kiss was placed along his brow, the warmth of Alec’s cheek radiating against his temple.

‘Tell me how they make you feel.’

He feels the gentle flutter in his stomach as his minute takes the rare moment of silence of focus on the beautiful words that stretch across the many pages. Words of love and devotion, of hardships and longing, of two people who will cross oceans just to be in each other’s arms.

‘They make me feel free. Like everywhere the characters go is somewhere I could be. The way they feel for each other, their strength….it’s just so inspiring. I’m so in love Alec.’

The shallow exhalations reverberate against his skin as Alec pulls him closer against his chest. Turning slightly in Alec’s arms, he glances upon the glassy eyes of his companion, focused on a point in the lazy city lights. The words flow from his mouth as if he is no longer in command, eyelashes catching the tears that he struggles to keep at bay.

‘You’re an amazing man Magnus. I know for a fact that you were just as astonishing in a life before.’

The surety and honesty of his companion’s words catch Magnus off guard. He loves how open Alec has always been with his affections, how courageous and daring he is with baring his soul to him. He worries often for the far away looks that Alec often has but is undoubtedly patient with his companion, knowing his introverted nature must be handled delicately.

He chances a chaste kiss on Alec’s cheek, a small smile creeping upon his lips as he blushed at Alec’s words.

It felt too good to be true sometimes, that two strangers who had known each other for a few months could be so completely taken by each other. There was something otherworldly about the time they spent together, as if the world respected the purity of their deep connection. As if the universe was protecting and blessing the sanctity of their bond.

‘You flatter me Alexander. Always so kind with your words.’

He feels the man pull him closer, tilting his his head so that their eyes have nowhere else to gaze but upon each other. The hazel in Alec’s eyes glows ferociously, illuminated by the dim city lights. His heart lurches as he watches Alec wet his soft lips, fingers stroking along Magnus’ arms as he holds him tenderly.

‘Well, they're true. I’m so lucky to have you here with me.’

The book was long forgotten as they settle against each other, lips meeting in a vibrate dance of happiness and awe. He wonders if it will ever simmer in heat, if he will never be able to kiss Alec without feeling engulfed to his very core.

This feeling, this wild and untameable feeling, this is what keeps him steady. This is the thread that he has chased for an entirety, wondering if the darkness would ever find a break from his mind.

He shivers once again, unsure of his reactions are from the beautiful man he has lapping at the chords of his shoulder or the gentle breeze against his skin. His head falls back as a soft gasp escapes his lips, fingers finding refuge in the soft strands of Alec’s hair as he searches aimlessly for a point of grounding.

The gentle nips against his skin having him vehemently moaning, his body trembles as the feel of Alec’s lips against him take him to a place beyond his wildest dream. 

They breath together, hearts beating wildly as they pause in their pursuits, weary of the silent boundaries they had placed around their affections.

Alec had held true to his promise to never rush him, always taking his time to ensure that he felt comfortable in every situation. He wanted nothing more than to drown in every facet of Alec’s being, his touch, his aroma, his heart and soul combined.

Their foreheads rest upon each other as they breathed in steady unison, fingers finding that familiar touch as they intertwine themselves into each other. They sway together slowly, hands nestled in Alec’s lap, basking in their shared glory of the tender moment that encapsulates them.

These are the moments that truly make him question his road to recovery, his plight to regain his life before or abandon all that was for these chances for something greater. He wonders if it’s time to tread a new path, a journey no longer rooted in the foundations of a man of the past but rather a man of the new.

As his eyes so gently flutter open and fall upon the man who has his every attention, he knows now that here is where he truly begins….again.

With one final breathe, he whispers.

_‘Alexander. I love you.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter:  
> a time to heal.  
> a time to break free.


	5. remembering ‘i’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> magnus makes peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone. i know it’s been a while, i’m so sorry. creative blocks, moving country, changing writing tools. we all grow.
> 
> hope this brings you a little joy. the end is here.

‘Magnus, I’m worried about you. I’ve been speaking to Alec…’

Lazily rolling his eyes, he sighs dramatically, an edge of annoyance as the budding friendship that has emerged between his boyfriend and best friend. At first he was cautious, worried about the effects of moulded the two worlds he existed within into one. It didn't take long however for the two of them to find a comfortable ease within their acquaintance. Much to Magnus’ despair it often came at his own expense, losing out in many disagreements to the highly intellectual duo.

Often he would playfully joke at the ease of their bond but with tensions high and emotions volatile, his current frustrations were making him erratic. 

With a short sharp exhale he interrupts his overly protective friend, a certain defiance overtaking him in his reply.

‘I know what you're going to say and you can’t change my mind. I want this Ragnor.’

Gripping the edge of the counter he straightens his back, shifting in his seat as the silence from his friend drags on a moment too long. He stands suddenly, eyes shifting around the kitchen as he searches for a focal point, something to drastic him from the lecture his always caring friend is sure to provide.

‘The Doctors, they were very firm in their instructions. You know how bad your panic attacks have become. I really don’t think it’s a good idea to stop taking your medications.’

The glass he has taken from the shelf above his sink fumbles in his fingers. He breathes steadily to focuses on the stream of water flowing through the tap. He swallows thickly as he tries to banish the sudden spikes of fear deep within him, the wisps of darkness he as tried so intricately to tame.

‘Ragnor, I can’t live like this any longer. I want to be free of this. I can’t live off pills and promises forever. Everything is much worse now than ever before.’

He hears Ragnor’s heavy sigh through the receiver, the drag of books across the counter of the shop reverberating in the background. He notices the edges of his friend’s voice soften, a subtle hint of surrender in his tone.

‘How bad has it gotten?’

The reply is without thought, short and sharp with every intention to play upon the sympathy he knows that Ragnor tries to conceal. If not for his own protection but rather to maintain a semblance of normality within both of their lives. A life not bound by diseases of memory and the past but rather created upon the moments of a time yet to exist.

‘So bad that I often forget that I even exist.’

‘And the panic attacks?’

‘I haven’t felt rested in days. My head just….it won’t stop spinning.’

‘Magnus, I think we need to take you to hospital.’

He suddenly feels his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand, his breathe hitching as an annoyance crawls along his spine.

‘No! Ragnor! I refuse! You can’t…I won’t….’

The tears well at the corners of his eyes as he breathes heavily, his grip on the edge of the sink tightening as he forces himself away from the overwhelming emotions simmering within his chest.

‘Okay, okay, Magnus. Breathe with me. In and out.’

His heart begins to steady as he closes his eyes and focuses on the even breathes filtering into his ear. He shuffles deeper into the soft pillows, curling his feet under him, searching for his place of solace.

‘I…I can’t take this anymore. The medications, they make me feel so unlike myself. I feel so emotionless and like if I move to quickly I might crumple. Sometimes I don't even recognise Alexander….Ragnor…I…’

‘What?! How long has this been happening?’

He bites his lip, dipping his head in confession, a sudden guilt at keeping his condition from his friend overtaking his body.

‘For the past month.’

He feels his body begin to shrink into himself, his heart constricting painfully in his chest as the thought of his lover. The mornings he has awoken in his bed with no recollection of the days before A steady stream of messages of love from his companion wishing him the sweetest of dreams with singular hearts.

He remembers the night Alec showed up at his door, the panic that had risen in him as the beautiful man with eyes of love held him in his arms. His brain waging wars of memories he has no recollection of ever experiencing. Of early dinners in the park and cuddling in the malaise of the late afternoon sun. With legs intertwined and hearts just as tangled, a maze of love and comfort that only the rarest of unions could allow.

‘Magnus. Why are you only telling me about this now?’

His hand shakes as he drags his fingers across his eyes, moisture dripping freely across his knuckles. 

‘Because….because I was scared.’

Lips tremble with vigour as shoulders hunch unconsciously. The fight is drained from him as he slowly makes his way across the threshold, sinking defeatedly against the arm of the couch. 

‘Oh, Magnus.’

He shakes his head in solemn defiance, a promise to himself to fight through the pain and claim a happiness that he knows he deserves. A joy and love that feels tailor made, a rare kind of connection that he can not be sure life will ever again permit.

A man who only angels could have crafted, to fight for the freedom of the weak and the weary.

‘I don’t want to lose him.’

He chokes on a sob as the pain vibrates throughout his chest, his body sinks incrementally deeper against the soft cushions.

‘Magnus, Alec would never…’

The darkness washes over him as his eyes close in defence. A need to shut out the world around him and retreat into a place he has come to know as his battle ground. 

‘Sometimes I remember things that never happened and other times I just simply forget he even exists. I can’t forget him. I won’t. Please Ragnor.’

The confession has him shuttering, a sense of nervousness overtakes him as he feels the guilt and betrayal surging through his chest. A heart full of so much affection for the man of his dreams, a fragile reminder of the impermanence of life.

‘Have you told Alec about this?’

He sighs, pulling his feet under his body to keep himself warm, subconsciously making himself smaller and less visible.

‘I can’t lose him Ragnor. He’s already given up so much for me. I couldn't bare if he walked away. I love him too much. ’

He hears the gentle caress of his friend’s sigh as he exhales against the phone.

‘Oh, Magnus. You know he cares about you. He wants to be there for you in every way possible. You can’t fight this alone. We all want to help you old friend.’

The tender and unexpected words cause a warmth to gloom within his chest. A reminder of the depths of the love around himself, an assuratey of the battle he will not have to face alone. 

‘I just feel so weak and I want to be strong again.’

‘You’ve suffered so much Magnus.’

He bites his lip as he nestles his head against the inside of his arm.

‘Please Ragnor, I don’t want to numb the pain anymore. I want to face the darkness and find who I truly was, who I truly am.’

‘You are who you are now, regardless of who you used to be.’

‘I know but…I feel so incomplete. I want to know my full self, who I was, who I’m becoming. I want to be free, not just in my dreams with a man I barely know, in real life too. I can’t move forward until I do. ’

He sobs quietly as Ragnor sighs in defeat, a heart too pure to be confined.

‘If it’s what you want dear friend, I will do nothing but support you. Let me see what I can do.’

——

In the many weeks that he had spent in this room, he never thought he would come to a place of such calm. He breathes in the various intoxicating aromas of the space, the lemongrass candle that burns upon the table, the smell of old books and literature that litter the shelves. A place he has come to call his safety and refuge, where he finds each part of his being coming together in defiance, abandoning the cages that his mind has placed them in.

After his small but no less needed breakdown, Ragnor introduced him to a beautiful bronze woman of the kindest soul who specialised in the intricacies of memory related disorders. His pulse settles as he remembers her honey like voice as she spoke of opening the door to a world of darkness, if only to rediscover a modicum of his fragmented soul.

How she spent weeks coaxing even the most insignificant of details from his battered brain and helped him to weave them into a path that drew him closer to his calm. The words may never make any sense but for some reason as his hand glides along the page, he feels tiny waves of joy float across his skin. Feelings that he rarely comes to associate with himself but rather a taste of what only one other person he holds dear can create within him.

It occurs to him that as his stories grow and develop, so too do his affections for the man that he has come to adore. He wonders how his tumultuous thoughts are suddenly so tamed by the steadiness of love and devotion he has for his Alec. How his hazel eyes shine so purely in the light of the day, the sweetness of his kisses as he bids him farewell, the warmth of his touch as he pulls Magnus close to his heart.

It’s too late for him to even pretend that he hasn’t hopelessly fallen for Alec.

Through the darkest fissures of his mind he begins to trust in the gentle thrum of his heart as he grounds the centre of his being within the surety of Alec in his life.

As time goes by, he notices that he breathes much clear, less of a sudden onset of panic and confusion, no more nights plagued by the faceless man of his many dreams. The feelings he once thought to be his greatest demise become the substance of his stories, words that drift into fictitious moments as he speaks of love and loss, of desire and surrender, of finding a home within it all.

‘Magnus.’

His daydreaming is broken by the soft caress of Catarina’s voice, he smiles tenderly at her as he sinks back into the soft cushions of her writing space.

‘I’m sorry dear, you were saying?’

He notices as her eyes shift around his face, a small frown upon her brow that deepens subtly as she shifts in her seat.

‘I just wanted to check you were okay? You’ve been staring into space since you got here.’

Clearing his throat he clicks his tongue against the pallet of his mouth, a subtle hesitation within his forever spinning mind.

‘I, um, I came up with a story last night but it’s...it’s silly. Never mind.’

The embarrassment warms his cheeks as he dips his head away from his new found friend. He takes his lower lip between his teeth, tiny bites stain his skin as he wills the moment to be forgotten.

In her ever gentle manner, Catarina slowly moves her hands to cover his forearms, she breathes softly as she ducks her head to catch his eyes.

‘Magnus, you know nothing you say is ever silly. The way you express yourself is so important. Please, if you may, I would love to hear you story.’

He inhales slowly as he nods slightly, in complete awe at how easily Catarina can cease his walls from erecting beyond control.

‘Okay well. It’s about me...and Alec.’

She smiles tenderly as a gentle mirth overtakes her features. Her golden eyes glow with excitement as she settles against the lounge. She gestures for him to continue as she reaches for her freshly brewed tea, her legs wind under her without a moments hesitation.

He closes his eyes as he sees the beautiful images come to life before him. Of his decision to walk throughout the park behind his loft. As the sun warmed his cheeks and the birds began to rise. He remembers how free he felt, safe and protected as the leaves fell around him. How he rested at the foot of a beautiful tree that called to him from afar. The feeling of joy nestled within the chamber of his heart, making him think of a younger version of him and Alec, inscribing ‘A + M’ into the veins of the surfaces they could command. He notices how young and carefree they both seem, how beautifully innocent and bashful their love was.

He wants to capture it for all the world to know, of two teenagers young and in love. Of a time he wishes that he had with Alec, a time before the trauma of his now. He wishes for the story to be grounded in some form of reality, if only to give him hope that he once knew a love so true.

The story brings tears to both of their eyes, he hears a small sob as he realises he has spoken for all to hear. Catarina draws him near as her lips find his cheek, her emotions un-caged in a way that he has never seen.

‘Oh Magnus, that was beautiful.’

‘He is, isn’t he?’ 

They chuckle as they share the moment of vulnerability and warmth. He marvels at how far he has come in such a sort space of time. How for once he feels so steady and so very calm, no longer worried about what has been but rather excited for all that is to come.

For once he cares not for a life he has once lived but rather for a life that he is here to create with the people that he holds dear.

Memories come and memories go, but for today he knows that his story is far from done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next:
> 
> alec.  
> alec.  
> alec and his f....


	6. remembering us.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all good things must end so that better things can begin.
> 
> thank you for your patience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i mean i acknowledge i went a bit crazy with the italics but.....malec.

‘Alec, I think I’m going to start writing again. You know, kind of like I used to...’

The pause over the phone is brief but he relaxes when his ear is filled with the voice of the man he loves beyond reason.

‘I love you Magnus. If this is what you want then I support you fully. You’re so talented and dedicated and I know, I know how amazing you will be.’

His heart blossoms at the kindness of Alec’s words, the man always knowing how to make him feel confident in his ambitions. He will never know what he did to deserve such a gentle man in his life, his past self must have done some serious work to grant him such blessings.

‘I will dedicate my next book to you. To Alexander….’

He paused briefly as he awaits Alec’s answer. The unusual silence from his phone has him frowning as his boyfriend’s whispers tickle the edges of his ear.

‘Lightwood.’

The confession like answer makes him pause in his aimless pacing. A shiver finds its way along the core of his spine, making his brow furrow at the intensity of the sudden déjà vu.

‘I think… I think I knew a Lightwood once.’

The silence on the phone makes him feel uneasy, his breath hitches as he worries he has upset his companion. He waits for Alec to reply before a haunting idea forms in his head.

‘Alec? Can I ask you a question?’

Alec’s tone quivers slightly as he breathes out a small ‘yeah’.

He takes a deep breath, something in him feels like he is on the precipice of some great revelation, like he is standing on the edge of a cliff he has long being waiting to plunge from.

‘Why don’t you ever tell me about your past?’

His fingers drum against his thigh as a frown begins to form across his face. He minds takes him along a journey of total insecurity and worry. He begins to feel that familiar uncertainty that he thought he had banished forever. He wonders why he can never recall conversations about Alec’s life, about his deepest fears and worst heartbreaks. About his upbringing with Isabelle, his high school lovers and all that has made him who he is.

He suddenly feels so exposed, a subtle sense of betrayal overtakes him as he realises that the honesty he thought they shared was been nothing but one sided.

It was like Alec didn't exist before the time they met. Alec was always soft and quiet, patient and guarded. Saying a lot but revealing nothing. He wonders why that is? Could it be the medication was causing him to ignore the obvious in favour of the real and tangible. Maybe the possibilities were too overwhelming and his brain is protecting him, keeping him safe, away from that unknown darkness that was constantly lurking within. 

He begins to wonder why Alec even wants him when all he does is burden him with his forgetfulness and lack of stability. As far as he has come he knows he has many steps more to take on his healing journey, a journey he had hoped that he would take with Alec.

He knows he loves Alec. Although he's never been in love from what he remembers, he relates the intense affection to Alec similar to the romantic stories they read together but more intensely profound.

His mind floats to the two male lovers in his published books, of how young and frivolous they seemed. Of their obsession with solidifying their affections and ‘painting their love throughout nature’. It reminds him of the story that he imagined and recounted to Catarina. Of an imaginary ’A’ in love with an ‘M’. Of young love and old pains, of every version of Alec that he can ever imagine being so truly devoted to him. 

Of it all seeming too real.

Of him promising to immortalise their love throughout the journey of time, never to be forgotten. 

Suddenly, it all begins to unravel. Like a thread of time lingering beneath the shadow of existence, patiently waiting to thrum within the core of his reality.

There is no clearer vision.

‘My books, did I, know you before…before my accident?’

‘ _Magnus_.’

He can hear Alec’s heavy breathing on the phone, the man sounds like he is running before the sound of a car door slams shut.

The frantic sound sends him into a panic, his mind starts rotating at a rapid pace as chills wrack his entire body. He feels as if he is cascading in a midst of a gigantic avalanche, his body falling freely as his thoughts and emotions crash within him. 

‘How-how? Alec? How? Why do i feel like I’ve known you before? The tree, our names, that was real, wasn’t it!? I dedicated my books to you didn't I??? How Alec!?!?’

His head spins as he sees Alec’s face in his mind, not the Alec of right now but an Alec he can’t quite decipher. The man stands beside him, eyes glossing over as he gazes over Machu Pichu, he smiles freely as he closes his eyes to breathe in the mountainous air. The wind whips through his messy locks as Alec reaches out to clasp his hand, peppering kisses as he whispers along his knuckles.

‘Magnus. Calm down, breathe with me, I’m coming. Please Magnus, _please_.’

He feels his body shake without remorse as the profound sobs rumble from deep within his chest. He struggles to breath as he collapses to the floor, bringing his knees to his stomach he rocks back and forth, trying to steady himself. The tears have long soaked his cheeks, his phone smashed on the floor next to him, the emotions crash over him in rapid waves of disarray.

The darkness consumes him as images flash rapidly before his tightly clenched eyes, his throat burns as he cries at the tortuous hammering against his brain. He sees his mother, young and innocent, Ragnor hurrying to his last lecture, his last moments as the Magnus he once was.

Then it’s only him.

Alec. Alec. Alec. It’s all there right in front of him, he doesn’t remember all the details but he remembers him now.

 _Alexander_. 

He takes large gulps of air as he feels himself hauled into strong arms, allowing the tears to overtake him. He clutches onto a firm chest, his fingers digging into the man’s shirt as he rocks him slowly against him.

‘Shhh Magnus, it’s okay, I’m here, I promise, I’ll never leave you.’

He feels his lips tremble as Alec tilts his head back, his chest heaves as he takes in the adoration in the man’s eyes. Never has he seen such affection and fondness, never has he seen so much _love_. It’s like everything and more he wrote about in his books, the feeling of safety, the knowingness that your heart is protected, the desire to want to live a million lifetimes just to be in your lover’s arms.

He feels it all now, he knows it all now. He’s ready to take that leap for he knows that at the bottom will be this beautiful man, ready to catch him in his loving arms.

‘Alec, I-I remember.’

He breathes rapidly as he waits, waits for the sure rejection, waits for the shame, waits for this man to tell him he’s too late.

‘Oh Magnus.’

He feels fresh tears dripping onto his forehead, the man clutches him closer to his chest as he strokes his fingers along his arms. The gesture makes Magnus feel at peace, a sense of comfort he has long yearned to possess. He smiles meekly as snuggles against Alec’s chest, loosening his grip on the muscular man as he surrenders to his touch.

Between sobs he manages to mumble, ’You found me.’

Alec sighs contently, wiping his tears on his arm before peppering kisses across Magnus’ soaked forehead. The gesture makes Magnus feel warm, he closes his eyes at the gentle touch to his skin.

‘I never lost you. You lived inside of me. Always in my heart.’

Burying his face against Alec’s stomach Magnus blushes, his body has long stopped shaking in fear, he feels light, like he's floating on a cloud. He wishes for this feeling to never end, wishes to immortalise this moment between them forever.

‘Alexander, _my heart_.’

His voice wavers as the words creep off his tongue, his mouth moving before his brain has a chance to catch up. The vulnerability in his tone is not lost on the man. He brackets his calloused hand around Magnus’ face as he manoeuvres him so that their foreheads are touching.

‘Magnus, _my soul_.’

He feels a force he can not resist draw him forward, his lips yearning to be wrapped in Alec’s tender love. The moment their lips meet, his mind blanks, his thoughts cease to exist as he concedes to the irresistible feel of Alec’s soft lips. 

The first brush of their lips is gentle and light, like sweet honey tea on a warm spring afternoon. As the kiss deeps he feels like his body is been engulfed by molten heat, his every nerve ending is ignited by the glorious feel of Alec.

He feels nourished as their lips move together seamlessly, his tongue exploring the familiar warm of his mouth as he licks his way along every hidden crevice. Waves of heat envelope them as he drinks in every last drop of the man, satiating a profound thirst he didn't realise he possessed.He swallows the man’s whines as he relaxes against him, his hand draws comforting circles around his heart, the gesture a familiar intimacy. 

It feels like the ultimate destination in a never-ending journey, it feels like _home_.

Eventually they reluctantly detach themselves from each other, the need to breath overtaking their desire to be connected. Alec’s lust blown eyes burrow intensely into Magnus’ as his thumb rubs tenderly along his cheekbone.

‘Tell me what you remember.’

Magnus briefly closes his eyes, willing his thoughts and memories to align as he skims through the chapters of his life. He can’t remember specific moments or even specific memories, all that flutters within him is this incessantly burning flame that soars whenever he thinks about the man before him. Stronger now than ever before, a vigour so renewed that their love is nothing if not complete and utter surrender.

‘You. I remember you. It’s _always been you_.’

***  
They spent the remainder of the night in each other’s embrace, gazing longing into each other’s eyes, silently reminiscing on the time that they had lost. Not a word is spoken between them, rather they rely on the instinct of their kisses, the gentle caress of their love to convey what words have failed to voice.

They come together more than once, their bodies moving like the waves of the ocean caressing the edge of the beach. Their shared climaxes bringing them closer and closer, until the time they spent apart is but a smudge in the story of their love.

The morning comes too soon and they both return to their daily routines, they promise to convene in the afternoon, wishing the nights would come sooner and their time together longer.

For the first time in the time that he remembers of their friendship, Ragnor’s eyes moisten as he tells him of Alexander. Of the love he feels raging in his belly, of the way his heart beats wildly without remorse for the man. He never thought the day would come that he would render Ragnor speechless, he decides to record the memory in his phone for another day’s teasing.

The afternoon comes before he knows it and he is racing to his favourite bakery down the block. He skids to a halt at the front door as he watches the beautiful raven man with his head thrown back in mirth, as he hugs his sister close to him. His heart warms at the beauty of such a sight, a sense of gratefulness fills his chest at having the privilege to be privy to such.

Smiling fondly he startles back as Isabelle tackles him with vigour. Her long black hair trailing behind him as she sprints towards him in excitement. He knows in time he will remember her too but for today he is happy to have his love back in his life.

He watches as Alec moves from behind the counter, he walks towards him holding two plates and cups of tea. The domesticity of the action brings shivers up his spine as the afternoon glow illuminates his magnificent man.

They sit and share insights from their time apart, Alec sharing with him his new recipes and ideas for the bakery. He smiles warmly as he watches the man in all his beauty, the way his eyes shine with a renewed sense of motivation.

Before he knows it his lips are between Alec’s, the desire to be close to him overtaking his senses tenfold. They kiss chastely before interlocking their fingers under the table, a small private smile that he knows is only for him forming on Alec’s face.

He stares down at the cupcake on his plate, the delicate petals of the Magnolia making his mouth water. He can already feel the silky icing as it floats across his tongue, the caramel sweetness sticking to his teeth, the soft sponge sliding down his throat.

Noticing his admiration of the dessert before him Alec watches him carefully, his eyes narrow as he studies his reaction.

‘You were my inspiration for this you know. I dedicated them to you, just like you did for me in your books.’

He whips his head up to meet Alec’s gaze, his facing softening as his heart constricts at the admission. He feels Alec squeeze his hand as he cups his cheek, he gazes into his delicate eyes relentlessly.

‘Light but sweet, tender but bold. It’s everything you are, everything I love.’

He feels his cheeks redden as he dips his head, the intensity in Alec’s eyes catching him off guard. He kisses him freely and without remorse, the tea long past cold, his cupcake withering by the time they decide to pull away.

‘I can’t believe that I’m engaged to a baker. After all the years I thought I was.…’

He pulls away slightly as Alec’s eyes widen suddenly. His face frozen as his mouth moves but no sound escapes his throat, 

‘What? You don’t think your favorite author didn’t have his next series planned? Those books are seemingly more real than I thought.’

‘Mag-nus, um...we’re not...’

The frown of his face begins to relax as he skims through the chronology of his past. He takes a moment to close his eyes as he relives the days before his accident. Of finding the perfect ring on a whim with Ragnor, of being in the car in the way to pick up Alec for their romantic weekend away. Of the truck driver that lost control, of waking up battered and bruised with not even his own name.

Of days spent wondering about the foreign ring in the pocket of his old jacket.

Slowly opening his eyes, he clears his throat as he rubs his palms together between them. He tries to hide his embarrassment for his brazen admission but knows all the same that nothing is lost on his boyfriend.

‘I still have the ring, you know. It was in my pocket before the accident, I’m so sor...’

He jumps slightly before sinking into the warmth of Alec’s palm. Tender kisses are placed against his temple as he exhales and settles into the caress against his cheek. 

‘You have nothing to apologise for my love. When you’re ready we will do this. Together.’

He chuckles fondly at his lover’s demands, knowing how attentive and thoughtful Alec does not shy away from being. 

‘You really are hard to please darling.’

The blinding smile that takes over Alec’s face is nothing short of contagious. They take what seems like forever to bask in this moment, eyes staring longingly into each other as they share wonders only true lovers know.

‘I finally have you back and that’s all that matters.’

Nodding slightly he leans his forehead against Alec’s jaw, fingers skimming lightly across his stomach, tender explorations of his safe haven.

‘I wish I could remember more, wish I could just finally piece it all together.’

The kisses are sweet as Alec pulls him near, his arms settling around Magnus’ shoulders as they sway gently, breathing in the a comfort they have long since shared.

‘You will, in time. I’ll always be here with you. For better or for worse. _I love you baby_.’

He knows he may never remember everything, never know how he came to have this beautiful man. He knows he would go to the ends of the Earth for him, a feeling that would once having him clambering for breath, now becomes a gentle undulation in his life. 

He knows now that no accident, no time before or after could ever erase Alec’s presence in his life. As if they were meant to be here, together, endlessly finding each other, like eternal souls sacrificing themselves for the greater good.

In time all that must be revealed shall come to light but for now there’s only one thing he knows for sure.

He will always love Alec. No matter the time or the place, they are forever bound to each other.

Finally he realises that he was never truly lost, for within their love he is always _always truly found_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this fic as much as i enjoyed writing it. thank you for reading and hope this warmed your hearts.


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